Heneghen: Rising Above Government Crap

Florida, the home of drive-by beaches, ignored Democratic delegates, and butterfly ballots, has a problem. The state faces a wipe-out!
Fortunately, the state never sits on an urgent problem. A Republican legislator has come to the two-ply relief of all Florida restaurant patrons by demanding ample toilet paper in the state’s commercial rest rooms. In a typically troubled year in Tallahassee, the legislature has at the very least demanded that when “everything comes out OK,” relieved Floridians can squeeze the Charmin.
The bill may soon get bipartisan support as Democrats in Florida search for a means of setting up a low-cost election to replace the disgraced January Florida presidential primary. “Floridians have an intimate relationship with voting and their nether regions,” an elections official noted, “what better way to express their presidential sentiment and their intestinal fortitude at the same time.”
While some call the pending bill a “piece of crap,” others expect the state Legislature to move quickly on the legislation.
Meanwhile, here on the other end of the continent, King County diners on their way to being wiped out by that second piece of white chocolate peanut butter truffle cheesecake will soon be able to determine whether or not they need to order a Diet Coke or a reduced-calorie hot buttered rum chaser when the Weight Watcher drums are restless. The County Council has ordered local iterations of chain restaurants to post the “nutritional information” of food selections on menu inserts or wall-mounted boards. Since the state of Washington remains without its own toilet paper regulation, some King County restaurant customers could become irritated by this development.
Jim Heneghen is guaranteed to irritate your sensibilities when he headlines the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club for five shows this weekend beginning tonight. If you are regular around the Seattle comedy world, you may have initially dismissed Heneghen as a victim of irritable vowel syndrome. But as you listened more closely, you were amazed at how Heneghen could cleanse the seriousness from your most sensitive plumbing. Join him tonight at 8 pm or Friday and Saturday nights at 8 and 10:30 pm. We promise we’ll stock enough toilet paper for all the cheesecake consumers in King County.