Derek Sheen: Laughs in a New York Minute!

In his second news conference on the subject in two days, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer announced “I am not gay, I have proven I’m not gay, and I think my wife now knows I am not gay… I love my wife, and just about anyone else who has a vagina.”
Spitzer says he decided to take a wide stance on the prostitution issues that confronts his political future in order to maintain his credibility from Albany to Boise. He blames his sudden plunge into extra-marital sex on his continuing slumming through the New York State sewer system as attorney general and governor. “I was forced to plunge deep into every cavity I saw before me,” the governor explained. “When I investigate a new opening, I throw myself into my work. “
Asked if he might resign, Spitzer answered, “I’ll have to sleep on that.”
Meanwhile, a group of billionaires tempting the governor and this state’s entire state Legislature says it will hold its breath and perhaps spend its available billions on high-priced prostitutes in Oklahoma City unless it gets money for a fancier rec room by April 10. The group of billionaires led by Microsoft Chair Steve Ballmer says it is ready to save a group of underprivileged homeless orphan athletes by pumping in hot and cold running bourbon in the Key Arena training rooms. However, the state must offer to pay $75 million to enable the regular shipment of executive-level, high-priced prostitutes from Albany, New York, into the same facility. The City of Seattle, meanwhile, will pay another $75 million for regular testing of the athletes for sexually transmitted diseases.
If you are wondering where you will get the money for your own high-priced prostitutes, or hot and cold-running bourbon, perhaps you might consider a career in comedy. Open Mic before a friendly crowd at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club can make you into a star within a New York-minute or a 100 dog years — whichever comes last. Ask Derek Sheen — he's back from Albany and he keeps a smile planted firmly on his face. See him tonight at 7 pm and stick around for some orphaned, low-priced musicians. Support them now, while they're just a governor or two away from a career engagement. Even if you’re just looking for something to get away from the pressures of busting crooked Wall Street types, take a break for a laugh — before you break entirely.