Geno Bisconte: A Grand Old Twin Cities Party

Seattle residents are apparently blessed that the city did not pursue the Republican National Convention this year. While the twin cities of Minnesota cheer the financial rewards of hosting 45,000 people that will cheer America’s progress under GOP rule as they sit at outdoor café’s where a major highway bridge collapsed a year before, ordinary residents may face more discomfort than Idaho Senator Larry Craig did at the local airport.
Although the convention is still some 90 days away, Minneapolis vegans are already being infiltrated by the FBI for any signs that they might throw rotten eggs, interrupt a steak dinner, or impugn the reputation of America’s dairy producers. At least that’s what local law enforcement wants them to believe is the reason for their search for informants to creep into the infidel’s pot-luck dinners.
In the meantime, draconian restrictions on mass protests have been imposed by local authorities to make sure that those who believe Saddam Hussein personally led the September 11 attacks are not discouraged by local unpleasantness. Protestors must register six months before the start of the convention under rules demanded by GOP officials. This means that protests can begin immediately after Election Day.
Still, there is one bit of good news for both residents and those attending the convention. Minnesota’s legislators have approved plans to keep bars open two extra hours for the duration in case anyone is driven to drink by the GOP gathering. If you’re a Republican in a Twin Cities bar at 3 AM, expect a phone call from Hillary.
Geno Bisconte is a serious comedian, who you won’t find in a bar at 3 AM unless there are laughs to be had. Bisconte serves up a full menu of jokes, pratfalls and zingers all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Join him at 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday night. Be sure to register with security if you are a vegan.

Geno Bisconte: Flush With Excitement

International space travel is a moving experience. It is a billion dollar enterprise of technology, courage, and rudimentary plumbing boldly flushing where no man has flushed before.
Until now.
Astronauts living in the claustrophobic confines of the International Space Station report the most vexing problem in the history of the space time continuum. If a plumber is called to fix a toilet in the far reaches of outer space, where Mondays and Sundays can pass faster than a can of out-of-date chili, does he bill for weekend hours?
NASA’s Roto Rooter division is breathlessly awaiting the answer to this problem as astronauts and cosmonauts become increasingly P.O.’d by the absence of a working toilet in the space station. In a world of zero gravity, plumbing failures are never a minor obstruction. It doesn’t help that the failed toilet was built by Russian engineers who have been unable to find suitable relief for the station’s inhabitants.
Thus, the Shuttle Discovery is poised to eliminate more waste than a library of Bush administration tell-all books as it prepares to carefully plunge into the space station this weekend, one ballcock at a time. Of course, if NASA had any Vulcan logic or at least had a feminist thought, there would be more than one toilet on the space station.
But then, whoever said there was intelligent life on Earth?
If you have any misconceptions about intelligent life on this planet, Geno Bisconte will discount them. Be sure to join Geno this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club for shows at 8 pm Thursday, and 8pm and 10:30 Friday and Saturday. The Mainstage Comedy and Music Club has good, patriotic American toilets. Most of the time, they work.

Geno Bisconte: The Naked Truth

Until now, America had never talked about it.
It was one of those unkind things you never say in a political campaign, like how Senator Robert Kennedy’s 1968 California victory ended tragically. For many Americans it was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside the perfect abs with which they once shared a desire to “have a beer.”
As the President of the United States shadowed his heir apparent away from a a sparsely attended, scheduled interlude at the Phoenix Convention Center, the media lights — powered by a former sage advisor — accentuated the moment. Fortunately, an adequate venue was quickly found at Sky Harbor Airport. The chief executive and his remaining faithful jammed into the men's room to watch an impromptu performance put on by the Republican Senator from Idaho. "I am glad someone in our party still has a wide stance," Mr. Bush said.
Still, even in this joyous moment, the truth was revealed for all the world to hear:
“The Emperor is wearing no clothes,” yelled out a veteran campaigner who had followed George W. Bush from Austin to Washington, DC. Scott McClellan, who had assured America that its investment in George W. Bush included only the highest quality fabric, was now pointing out the obvious. Mr. McClellan noted that the emperor he served had not even worn the basics. “If only, his vestments had included a lying sack of crap, I wouldn’t be this ashamed.”
Even the host Senator from Arizona, who had once been dressed to the hilt, had now been divested of his once non-gay apparel. His straight talk was just a memory as his mentor cast aside invisible cod pieces in his direction. “Friends,I feel fabulous,” McCain said in a high pitch voice, as he turned to the naked chief executive and noted “you light up my life.”
Geno Bisconte will do just about anything to make you smile. If it means criticizing your fashion sense, then so be it. Geno lights up the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club stage this weekend for five shows, at 8 pm Thursday and 8pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. Come, enjoy the end of the lusty month of May. But, please be sure you aren’t wrapped in the Emperor’s clothing.

April Macie: A Grand Slam Performance

A growing movement formed in the doomed public toilets in downtown Seattle is blocking demolition teams from removing one of the city’s most recently condemned landmarks. “Save Our Denny’s,” protestors shouted out as they marched in front of the currently vacant structure that once housed Ballard’s treasured gastronomical attraction. “Just because the Seattle Mariners aren’t hitting a lot of grand slams these days, doesn’t mean we can’t have Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast,” a rotund protestor remarked.
Just hours before, the city’s Landmark Preservation Board allowed the building’s owners to demolish the building despite its earlier decision to preserve the spot for history. Countless former Ballard seniors treasure their free Birthday breakfasts and their first selections from the landmark Senior Menu. “We know that the Denny’s management appreciated Ballard back in the days when our faces were all Scandinavian White.”
Now, however, the milestone eatery will join the Doggie Diner, the Twin Teepees and other long-forgotten 24-hour greasy spoons in the Cuisinart of Seattle culinary history. The Googie kitsch from vinyl booths to its coffe-stained carpets will die a quick death in the modern beams and skylights of still another condo project. Somewhere, a grease-stained laborer will cry tears stained with tobacco sauce.
Protestors forming the “Save Our Denny’s group had planned to break for French fries after their exasperating five minute rebellion, however, the snack bar at Ballard’s Sunset Bowl was also no longer there.
April Macie comes from the Northeast where lunch counters and street-corner pretzel vendors still survive. This weekend she brings her own flavors to five shows at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club beginning Thursday evening. Macie, performs at 8 pm Thursday, and 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. Come share April Macie’s sense of humor and a Mainstage menu that will make you forget Denny’s. You don’t even have to bring your own tobacco sauce or public toilet.

April Macie: It's Not Over Until It's Over

“Happy New Year!” Senator Barrack Obama shouted to crowds at his stunning victory party in Des Moines, Iowa, as his spiritual advisor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright looked on in admiration. “Before these cold, snowy days of winter break into a glorious Pacific Northwest climax on the banks of the Willamette River, let us bring together the working people of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and all the way to Kentucky and West Virginia!"
Movie Producer Harold Ramis, serving as campaign advisor to Obama admitted that the moment reminded him of Groundhog’s Day all over again. As Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani told CNN cameras that the Obama victory in Iowa would be as temporary as Democratic control of the Congress, other Republicans chopped their lips hoping for a Clinton victory in New Hampshire.
Cable News directors looked puzzled at the snowy Iowa scene, on an evening where it seemed like the Democratic Primary season had ended just the day before. Perhaps a low-hanging technician had forgotten to load a fresh disk into the control room video center, and instead pushed rewind on an old VHS system that was still flashing _12:00. At any rate, the thought of a “fair and balanced” rewind of a campaign that sent the cable news channels into Halliburton-style uplift, could not be argued. If it was good enough for Senator Hillary Clinton, Groundhog’s Day — Election 2008 Edition was good enough for the cable networks. “Even if it is a repeat, it’s almost summer time anyway,” a cable producer noted. “If this campaign season ends now we won’t have anything to do until the end of August.”
Supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton hoped that the latest run would end a little differently, noting that the former First Lady plans for some “minor revisions” of her part in the replay. Senator Obama, however, says plans for Senator Clinton to escape sniper fire from the forces of Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee at the NRA convention may be a bit too much.
You can escape the sniper fire of every day work this Memorial Day weekend as you relax and enjoy the comic musings of April Macie at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Macie, based in New York, has appeared on television’s Last Comic Standing, and will haunt you with her stories of growing up in Pennsylvania. If you love her show, Thursday, attend again Friday, or Saturday. If you like her at 8pm, attend again at 10:30 pm. You might enjoy this more than rewinding through the current campaign season.

Open Mic: Mariners Are Finally OK

In an unexpected move, all of the Seattle Mariners have been traded for the would-be Oklahoma Supersonics. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he was able to convince owner Clay Bennett that the current Mariners share a distinct position with the Sonics — last place in their division. “Instead of a mere five starting players that Oklahoma gets with the Sonics,” Nickels says, “The Mariners come with a starting nine — giving them more bang for their bucks.”
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.

Open Mic: Appalachian-AID

In a continuing effort to outperform the Obama bandwagon, Senator Hillary Clinton today plans a rally destined to attract the entire populations of the states of West Virginia and Kentucky. Following in the footsteps of Senator Barrack Obama who held a massive rally on the banks of the Willamette River in Portland, and Obama’s expected return to Iowa to declare victory in the state where his success began, Clinton plans a rally on the shores of the Big Sandy River — the border between West Virginia and Kentucky — to mark her expected victory in the Bluegrass state Tuesday, and thank her West Virginia voters for her massive victory last week.
Signs reading “Free Meth^odology” were posted throughout the two states’ Appalachian communities. Clinton campaign spokespeople refused to comment on whether Clinton had subscribed to some new political ideology or if the signs meant something else. Some observers noted that the banners were not large enough to fit the entire slogan, and the phrase “odology” had to be scratched on the sign in small print. “This is not over, “said a member of the Clinton campaign as she stepped out of the massive “mess tent” that appeared to hold hundreds of camp stoves. Secret Service officials declined to comment on the large number of bomb squad vehicles parked near the tent.
In order to attract the “working class white Americans” she expects to boost her to ultimate victory, Clinton has invited her Arkansas friend, former governor and former GOP presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. Huckabee was a “last minute choice” that just came to Clinton after he expounded on his “vision” at last week’s NRA convention. “I think it’s time to trigger a bipartisan vision that will be best for working class white America,” Clinton told reporters.
If you have a vision beyond traveling to the camp stoves of Appalachia, you just might enjoy the laughs at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club every Tuesday night. Open Mic comedy can be a lot of fun as both a participant and an audience member. See would-be fools become comedians, and see comedians become fools. Who knows, if you’ve ever thought about becoming a comedian, you might find you’re a better funny man than Mike Huckabee.

Chris Porter: Appeasing Audiences All Weekend

Just a day after denouncing certain politicians in the United States seeking “appeasement” with terrorists, George W. Bush landed in Saudi Arabia to mingle with Osama bin Laden’s “home boys.” Sources close to Bush say the US President is prepared to offer the Saudis certain undesirable parts of the United States in order to prevent another attack like the one Saudi Arabians led on September 11, 2001, and at the same time reduce oil prices until Senator John McCain can be safely elected to succeed Bush in November.
Admiring Saudi Arabia’s misogynistic rule of its homeland, Bush said he was willing to turn over America’s “Sudatenland” which is today known as “California.” After California legalized gay marriage Thursday, Bush says, the state needs the fatherly guidance of a Saudi Arabia to “put it in its proper place.” The state is a well-known refuge for “uppity women” that not only are allowed to drive, but actually are sent to Washington, DC to serve in the Congress. “It’s no wonder there are so many gay men in California,” Bush says. “Men just aren’t permitted their rightful place. Being a part of Saudi Arabia will cure that problem.”
Senator Joseph Lieberman meanwhile, denied reports that he and McCain are having a secret affair on the Straight Talk Express bus. “I am just assisting the Senator in keeping his bearings straight,” Lieberman says. “The fact that we are parked here in the San Francisco County Clerk’s office waiting for it to open this morning is just a coincidence.”
Senator Barrack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee for President says he doesn’t mind Bush giving back formerly occupied territory to another imperialistic country. He, however, suggested that there are country’s that already have the kind of “bitter” people who might be more comfortable being in Saudi Arabia. “I think the Saudi’s already have regular scheduled air service to Texas and West Virginia,” Obama suggested.
If you’re a misogynist or a feminist chances are you’ll appreciate the musings of comedian Chris Porter on the differences between men and women. Porter, who has traveled the mean streets of Kansas City to “Last Comic Standing’s Live at Gotham,” has some unique perspectives that politicians in Washington and Riyadh rarely understand. See him this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club in two shows Friday and Saturday at 8 pm and 10:30 pm. See him, while gas prices are still low.

Chris Porter: Hillary Holds a Grand Old Party

Senator Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, announced plans for a hostile takeover of the declining Republican Party. “Our hostile takeover of the Democratic Party does not appear to be working, “Mrs. Clinton admitted to a passing pundit, “We believe the GOP has been devalued sufficiently among political observers that only a hostile takeover by our organization can save its historic significance. “
Market experts say the Republican party is so devalued that the Clintons may be able to pick up the pieces for less than the recent acquisition of Bear Stearns. The offer came less than 24 hours after Clinton’s massive victory among West Virginia’s conservative voting base while even more conservative voters in Mississippi rejected a Republican candidate for Congress for the third special election in a row. The Clintons promised that West Virginia — dozens of miles from the Washington Beltway — could become the focal point of a new generation of political thought. As Mrs. Clinton met with the current presumptive nominee of the existing GOP, Arizona Senator John McCain at her new West Virginia double-wide, she showed off a new toothless grin. “Welcome to an entirely new Right Wing Conspiracy,” she told reporters. “the Republican Party under my leadership will truly be “almost Heaven.” My husband and I will erect an even bigger tent — an erection that would put even Barrack Obama to shame. “
The Senator hinted to McCain that she would be happy to accept the nomination of the new GOP as McCain’s running mate. She even agreed to call McCain every morning at 3 AM and let him know if his bearings were in working order. If she found them inoperative, she noted, that as Vice President she would know what to do. “I can’t imagine a better future for Senator McCain’s beautiful bearings than to have them rubbed every morning by Senator Clinton,” says Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
Comedian Chris Porter remains too young to lose his bearings. This weekend he will take you on a guided tour of his life that has taken him from the mean streets of Kansas City to “Last Comic Standing’s Live at Gotham,” that airs this summer. In the course of the trip, that begins Wednesday at 8 pm at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The laughs continue Thursday at 8pm, and again Friday and Saturday evening at 8 and 10 pm, you’re guaranteed to break all your funny bones. You have been warned.

Open Mic: Idaho Toilet Proposal Stalled

Idaho Republicans apparently can’t stop thinking about toilets.
Walt Bayes, a candidate for the state House of Representatives has taken a somewhat narrower stance on gays in public restrooms than his fellow Idaho lawmaker in Washington, DC, Idaho’s US Senator Larry Craig. Perhaps noting the senator’s outing in a Minneapolis airport restroom last summer, Mr. Bayes opined that the trend is obvious. “We’re going to have to do something if there’s going to be a considerable number of our people who are going to go that way (homosexual),” Bayes said. “We’re going to (need) some kind of separation.”
Bayes, an anti-abortion crusader who demands human status for unborn fetuses, fears an intimate vulnerability should impressionable young high school students be forced to ward off possible homosexual approaches in public bathrooms. The retired farmer and “blue collar worker” last achieved publicity when he went on an unsuccessful 59-day hunger strike to end abortion. He compares the potential for gay groping in public restrooms to his own youthful wonder lust. It would have been "an absolute catastrophe” for him to have showered with girls, he says.
Senator Craig was not immediately available for comment on the Bayes proposal.
The Mainstage Comedy and Music Club Open Mic does not separate comics by gender, sexual orientation, or even experience. Every Tuesday evening at 7 pm you can try your hand at comedy even if the only joke you’ve ever told was to say “I am a United States Senator” to an undercover cop. At the same time, you can be in the company of greatness as some of Seattle’s best comedians try out their new material and perhaps demonstrate their imperfection. It’s all done for laughs for less than a song. If it’s music you need, stick around for the 9 pm music open mic.

Open Mic: Keeping Your Shipoopi Private

We’ve got trouble, right here in Rain City….
It’s starts with “T” which rhymes with “P,” and stands for “Pool.”
Yes, the naked truth has been revealed in the heart of Ballard, where traditions stand longer than landmarks destined for condo-conversion. Here in the midst of what was once Seattle’s most formidable enclave of Scandinavian formality, bare naked men and women display their privates in private.
Yes, the Ballard pool has been reserved on a limited basis for the unreserved, those who believe that underwater gyrations are healthy for adults and other living things. The practice has come under the watchful eyes of City of Seattle Parks and Recreation officials who now declare that the required lifeguards at the public drink must be at least old enough to consume alcohol before engaging in the recovery of an exhibitionist. Most city lifeguards are only old enough to smoke cigarettes, get married, or be called on multiple tours of Iraq, thus making the career expectancy of the average City of Seattle lifeguard slightly longer than that of the average 21^st-Century encyclopedia salesman. Consequently, the number of 21-year-old lifeguards in the city is minimal.
City officials say that a 21-year-old lifeguard, coming home from having a couple of cool ones with his friends after beating his young bride, or facing a terrorist, might be mature enough to deal with the distractions coming from a pool full of octogenarians shriveling in the water. “Shipoopi,” say the organizers of the nude swim in another Music Man reference, “this city is playing hard to get.”
Whether your idea of comedy is a bare naked exposure of one’s inner “Shipoopi,” or a series of surprises cloaked in mystery, chances are you’ll experience both in a collection of comedians gathered for open mic every Tuesday evening at 7 pm at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. If you’d prefer to have your own kind of music, perhaps you’ll want to participate in the music open mic that follows at 9 pm. Do remember, however, that at the Mainstage, clothing is NOT optional.

Slade, White Sox and Elephants — the Socks Are Off!

It’s now official. The Clinton campaign is over. The word came not with a bang or a consolation, but a “Meow!” Socks Clinton, the former first feline — fresh from the funeral of her benefactor, Baskin-Robbins co-founder Irvine Robbins, and sporting a memorial pralines and cream moustache — pointed to his litter box when asked where the Clinton campaign goes from here.
While some reporters expected a pussy-whipped answer from a one-time beloved member of the Clinton family, Socks expressed no bitterness about being abandoned by the Clintons and sent to live with former White House Secretary Betty Currie. Socks, now approaching age 18, purred quietly on his throne as his spokesman dealt with reporters. “Not only is he not bitter,” Currie said, reminding reporters of Senator Obama’s remarks on the Pennsylvania campaign trail, “he has not sought spiritual aid or help in sharpening his claws.”
There was indeed satisfaction on the lips of the best-selling children’s author and White House canine terrifier. Currie noted that Socks is currently in negotiation with Random House, Simon and Shuster and a number of other major publishing houses attempting to win rights to his final memoirs. “Socks will probably net more from his memoirs than Bill and Hillary combined,” Currie offered on his behalf.
If you’re looking for a night away from the cat house this weekend, look no further than the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Friday, it will be a rare evening of comedy AND music, with Dwight Slade providing hilarity at 8pm, leading up to a late music show featuring the White Sox (no relation to the Clintons) a group including members of Yes, Journey and Queen in a benefit concert for MusiCares at 10 pm. Saturday night, Slade performs two shows at 8pm and 10:30 pm.
Need a few more animals in your life? Check out another special comedy show on Mother’s Day, Sunday evening at 7pm to benefit Friends of the Woodland Park Zoo Elephants, with the ever-talented comedian Cathy Sorbo AND your weekend headliner Dwight Slade.

Dwight Slade: Stand By Your Party

In her continuing effort to shore up her support in the “white working class” communities, New York Senator Hillary Clinton gave out pseudoephedrine-inclusive samples of Sudafed and an Internet recipe on how to formulate methamphetamine. “Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble,” Clinton snorted, showing off a newly missing tooth. “Hey Lurleen, listen to this!.”

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one smarty party
You'll have your victories
No longer an inferiority
Doing things white folks understand
Being mother superior no need to con
Even when the face of darkness carries on

Officials at the Clinton campaign blamed the number on the tiring Democratic Primary campaign that has last 15 months and is apparently on its final, exhausted legs. They said Clinton’s earlier appearance at a Klu Klux Klan rally was simply an effort to expand the Senator’s reach into diverse minority audience. “She really felt like she filled out that sheet to its maximum,” the campaign official said. “When old man infidelity came a’ knocking at my door, I stood by my man,” Clinton told the robed gathering. “ I didn’t go black. Now, I want to make sure the entire country doesn’t go black. If it does, it will never come back!”
Clinton says despite her declining chances for victory, she will do whatever is necessary to pick up the remaining pledged and super delegates she needs to reverse her fortunes. She is already planning a duck hunting trip to Montana with Vice President Dick Cheney just before that state’s June 3 Primary. “If I shoot first, and ask questions later, I could still win this thing,” she says.
You too could be a winner, without taking your life in your hands. Plan on laughing yourself silly this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club — unlike Hillary Clinton you have every chance of reaching your goal because this weekend we feature Dwight Slade Thursday through Saturday at 8 pm. Saturday evening, enjoy an extra late show at 10:30 pm. We provide all the stimulants you can legally enjoy —Robes and shotguns are discouraged.

Dwight Slade: Delegating Authority

In a last-ditch effort to “count all the votes,” Senator Hillary Clinton today demanded that she be granted “half” of the delegates given to her husband when he became the Democratic nominee in 1992. The New York senator says that under community property laws she is entitled to “half of everything her husband owns.”
On the morning after a disappointing showing in North Carolina and Indiana, Mrs. Clinton struggled to put the arithmetic together that could get her the nomination. Since Mr. Clinton was nominated by “acclamation,” at the 1992 convention, the Clinton campaign would garner more than enough delegates to put Mrs. Clinton over the top. Senator Barrack Obama reached at a North Carolina basketball court says his lawyers assure him that Mrs. Clinton has “a better chance of getting delegates out of Florida and Michigan,” than claiming any of the former Presidents’s nominating glory.
Meanwhile, Senator John McCain separated himself further from the Bush administration by blasting the incumbent’s handling of the Spanish Armada after the attack on the USS Maine in the Havana harbor. “When was the last time Mr. Bush remembered the Maine?” McCain said at a gathering of the Daughters of the American Revolution. “I can assure you that I am ready to become commander-in-chief and that the next time it rains in Spain, it will rain on McCain!”
McCain aides immediately assisted the secretary to his afternoon nap place.
If you’d rather go see live comedy than your nap place this weekend, make a point of visiting Dwight Slade at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Slade performs shows Wednesday through Saturday at 8 pm. Saturday evening, enjoy an extra late show at 10:30 pm. Remember, if you are married, all tickets to weekend shows become community property — so bring your spouse!

Open Mic: A Viaduct As Sound As Its Name

The City of Seattle never likes to find itself looking up to San Francisco. Consequently, the City Council is considering changing the name of the cursed Alaska Way Viaduct to the Dick Cheney Viaduct. The name change proposal comes as San Francisco voters are being asked to change the name of the city’s primary sewage plant to the George W. Bush Memorial Sewage Plant. “I feel the pain of sewage workers in San Francisco, who already face an odoriferous challenge — not to mention low self esteem when visiting drinking establishments — having to explain that their workplace is named after the most disastrous chief executive in the history of our nation,” says Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels.
The Mayor says naming the currently doomed Alaskan Way viaduct for the Vice President of that same administration will remind drivers to use the endangered expressway as if Mr. Cheney was waiting to shoot them in the face at every turn. “Imagine the instant reduction in road rage incidents, not to mention traffic on the viaduct,” Nickels added.
Governor Christine Gregoire has ordered that the viaduct be demolished by 2012, and seismologists predict that the viaduct could come down before that date in the event of another earthquake. Consequently, city officials say, the dubious memorial to the current administration will be short-lived.
Open Mic night at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club is your opportunity to see talent that is both long and short-lived. You can hear experienced voices try out new material or humor-challenged, first-time comics attempt to gauge their viability one punch line at a time, every Tuesday at 7 pm. Stick around for a music open mic that follows at 9pm or try your voice in song. Who knows, you might have a viaduct named for you one day.

Open Mic: We're Entitled to Old Fashioned Politics

On the eve of primaries in North Carolina and Indiana, Senator Hillary Clinton continued her “sugar and spice and everything tax-free” campaign for President with a demand that working class Americans unable to buy their first home be given a “principal” holiday during the summer home buying season. Clinton says she would pay for the proposal by having the housing industry pay for the homes of the poor. “Why should we limit federal bailouts to corporate welfare recipients like Bear Stearns?” the senator told an enthusiastic crowd at an Indianapolis homeless shelter. “Every American deserves a home, and if I have to buy it for you with housing industry money, by God, I will.”
Marketing officials within the housing industry did not immediately balk at the Clinton proposal. Officials say if the federal government wants to infuse the struggling housing industry with new tax revenues, they would gladly respond with the required steps to make free homes available for the poorest Americans. “America’s homebuilders will be glad to lift up the Habitat for Humanity torch and have poor Americans build their own homes, which will save some construction costs. Presumably, the government will provide us the necessary construction materials — perhaps those extracted from an asbestos removal program," the Housing Industry spokesman says. "In addition, if the federal government will throw in some land grants with its tax revenue, our executives will be able to live comfortably on their multi-million-dollar bonuses as long as the new homeowners pay a $5,000 monthly homeowners association fee. “
Senator Clinton’s primary opponent, Illinois Senator Barrack Obama, noted that there might be some weaknesses in the former first lady’s plan. “I think the average poor person has a better chance of profiting by sending his or her bank account information to a generator of an email from Nigeria,” the Illinois senator says. Still, polls show working class Democrats polled by Fox News say the Clinton plan will push them to mark their ballot for Hillary.
You too can be rich overnight by simply embarking on a rewarding career in comedy! Imagine, you are free to step on the stage at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club any Tuesday evening at 7 pm and telling all the jokes that inspire the folks at work go back to their desks and be more productive when you try them out at the water cooler. Go ahead, come on stage, be paid TRIPLE what your jokes are worth! * (Not valid for jokes worth more than $0.00)
Join Derek Sheen and other funny folks any Tuesday! By Wednesday, you’ll be ready to try your hand in politics!

Lamont Ferguson: Politics is Deeper Than Blood

Rumors are circulating that still another key Clinton super delegate is prepared to flip to the Obama bandwagon, despite some setbacks for the Illinois senator. Sources close to Hillary Clinton refuse to acknowledge reports that former President Bill Clinton will join former DNC party boss Joe Andrew in switching his support to Senator Barrack Obama. “I really think it’s time that America had another black President,” said Senator Clinton’s husband, recognized as America’s first black President.
Mr. Clinton, wearing several band aids on the back of his head where he may have suffered some “frying pan concussions,” was overheard saying that after listening to Senator Obama speak for months, he is convinced that America is not yet ready for a woman president — especially his wife. “She has this mean streak that I have not seen in any other woman that has favored me,” he said hurriedly ducking, as sniper fire erupted from the back of the curtain.
Like Mr. Andrew, and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson — who had joined Senator Clinton’s husband to watch the American Idol finals at a strip club near Mr. Clinton’s Harlem office — the former president noted that it is time that the Democratic Party came together behind a single candidate, someone that has widespread support of millions of voters and can play a mean game of “one-on-one.” Sniper fire erupted anew after Clinton was heard saying “may the best man win.”
This weekend, take the opportunity to see one of the best men in comedy. Lamont Ferguson lights up the stage at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club Friday and Saturday evening at 8 and 10:30 pm. Ferguson, an intelligent humorist with a diverse view of the world, has appeared with Bill Cosby, George Lopez and George Carlin.