Open Mic: Mariners Are Finally OK

In an unexpected move, all of the Seattle Mariners have been traded for the would-be Oklahoma Supersonics. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he was able to convince owner Clay Bennett that the current Mariners share a distinct position with the Sonics — last place in their division. “Instead of a mere five starting players that Oklahoma gets with the Sonics,” Nickels says, “The Mariners come with a starting nine — giving them more bang for their bucks.”
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.

Open Mic:The Wavin' Wheat Can Sure Smell Sweet..

More than seven years after the Ash Wednesday earthquake of 2001 that tested the viability of Seattle’s Alaskan Way Viaduct, the City Council agreed to ship the 1950s structure, lock, stock and seepage to Oklahoma City as a “going away gift” for the Seattle Supersonics. “There are some who have suggested we simply drop it on the doorsteps of Oklahoma City Hall, set fire to it, ring the doorbell and run,” May Greg Nickels says. “No, we are kind Seattleites, we want Oklahoma to recognize our gift for what it is.”
While Seattle/Oklahoma Supersonics fans say the Viaduct may be the better Seattle import to Oklahoma, there are some die-hard fans who believe the viaduct will not be as beautiful in the plains of Oklahoma, without the view of the Olympic Mountains. “However, the existing concrete, rotting pillars and layers of dust will fit right into the prairie atmosphere,” one Oklahoma observer said. “All we need is a few tumbleweeds down the center lane.”
Oklahoma, "where the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweeet" is also far away from any earthquake faults, making the Viaduct a potentially better experience for curious Oklahomans seeking to experience a major league traffic jam. “Besides, if by off-chance a seismic event occurred here, the number of people caught in the movement would be far lower,” the Oklahoma observer said.
If instead, you want to experience a rite of passage in the stages of major league comedy, experience an open mic at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club at 7pm every Tuesday evening. If there’s a funny bone bothering you, why not take a step in front of the microphone and let it bother an entire audience? When was the last time you moved an audience?

Kermit Apio: Oklahoma is NOT OK

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett says he will acquire the $26 million ferry boat rejected by the Washington State Ferry System in order to make the team more comfortable in Oklahoma City. He says the state of Washington continues to let money get in the way of making decisions to make the area more attractive for “Okies.”
The state ferry rejected a Todd Shipyard bid this week for a replacement ferry to sail from Keystone to Port Townsend. The only bidder asked more than $9 million above the system’s planned budget. “Once again, the public refuses to pay a little extra for a recreational offering that my neighbors in Oklahoma City will enjoy,” Bennett says.
The new ferry boat will traverse the majestic Oklahoma River (formerly known as the Canadian River) as it makes its way through downtown Oklahoma City. Up until now, the river could accommodate only rowboats, but Bennett believes he can convince the city to pay for a $500 billion excavation project that will make the Oklahoma “a major league river.”
Bennett says he continues to look around for other area landmarks to bring with him to Oklahoma City. Rumors are that he is now looking at picking up the newly historic-designated former Ballard Denny’s to the land “ where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.” Bennett says he can’t imagine a more suitable landing for the Ballard Denny’s than in downtown Oklahoma City, right near the Ford Center where the Sonics will soon play. "For some reason, I can visualize a Broadway musical being staged on the decks of the ferry boat,” Bennett added.
Kermet Apio will sweep your decks clean of all memories of Oklahoma, and instead will give you a more tropical perspective from his Hawaiian background. Apio appears at 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday night at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Unlike Oklahoma, he is far more than OK.

Open Mic Welcomes Rough Riders

Sources in Oklahoma City say a ballot issue being voted on today — designed to bring the Seattle Sonics to Oklahoma — may not generate enough funds to get the Sonics all the way to Oklahoma City. Sonics owner Clay Bennett says he will attempt to bring the franchise somewhere in between Oklahoma City and Seattle — perhaps Jackson Hole, Wyoming. “We think that might be the best of both worlds, “Bennett says,” since real NBA fans are quite prepared to pay more for parking and a cup of beer than what it takes to commute to Jackson Hole for 81 games.”
Seattle Mayor Greg Nickles says the Sonics must stay in Seattle “even if we have to expand the Seattle city limits into Wyoming.” Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett says even though Oklahoma City has cheaper gasoline than Seattle, the city’s roughnecks are likely to object to traveling to Wyoming unless they can be assured of making the trip without worrying about a DUI.
Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, assured of enough delegates to become the presumptive GOP nominee says he welcomes the endorsement of the current President of the United States — even though the latter’s poll numbers are among the lowest for an incumbent in history. McCain says he shares a lot with the current holder of the office, “not the least of these is Teddy Roosevelt’s successful environmental record, and his military precision as a Rough Rider.”
Do you think an open mic night is pretty rough riding? Perhaps you’ve thought about giving it a try in front of the majestic warmth of the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Whether you “Remember the Maine” or don’t remember what you had for breakfast this morning, the evening’s host Derek Sheen will guide you through the bells and whistles of an open mic any Tuesday on which you show. If you’re obviously from Oklahoma City, however, you might want to be careful crossing the street to Key Arena.