A week after a controversial kiss between two women became the most dramatic moment in this Seattle Mariners most lost season, the team is apologizing for chastising the two women involved. Consequently, by popular demand, the entire Mariners team will be replaced by a hot, young, softball team made up entirely of lesbians hitting better than most of the Mariners. “In the words of our management,” a Mariners spokesman said, “if the team can’t bunt, it’s time to go * [*word that rhymes with bunt].”
At the same time, the team will add a “Bobbleboob” night to its marketing ventures to draw both gay and straight fans to an evening of baseball to remember. Both lesbians and gay men will be invited to perform “public displays of affection” in the seats that are guaranteed to bring thousands of spectators that have never seen a “ball” game before. With the Mariners struggling in last place during a season when many predicted they would be fighting for their first-ever World Series, Mariners management is apparently ready to experiment with whatever will sell a ticket or a bottle of beer. “Given some of the decisions we’ve made in player personnel in the past few seasons,” Mariners President Howard Lincoln remarked, “we have to look at whatever we can do to increase our ERA (Earned Revenue Average).”
If a struggling baseball team is not your cup of tea, try a profile in courage in comedy or music. Every Tuesday evening a new face steps in front of the crowd at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club to pitch a new joke, or make a sacrifice to music. It’s an evening of over-achievers and under-achievers, and enough fun to make Tuesdays a night to idolize new American talent. See new and used comedians at 7 pm. At 9pm, you can see if the talented or struggling musicians have any strings attached to their career hopes. Feel free to show your public display of affection.
Showing posts with label Seattle Mariners. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seattle Mariners. Show all posts
Monday, June 2, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Open Mic: Mariners Are Finally OK
In an unexpected move, all of the Seattle Mariners have been traded for the would-be Oklahoma Supersonics. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he was able to convince owner Clay Bennett that the current Mariners share a distinct position with the Sonics — last place in their division. “Instead of a mere five starting players that Oklahoma gets with the Sonics,” Nickels says, “The Mariners come with a starting nine — giving them more bang for their bucks.”
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.
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