Geno Bisconte: A Grand Old Twin Cities Party

Seattle residents are apparently blessed that the city did not pursue the Republican National Convention this year. While the twin cities of Minnesota cheer the financial rewards of hosting 45,000 people that will cheer America’s progress under GOP rule as they sit at outdoor café’s where a major highway bridge collapsed a year before, ordinary residents may face more discomfort than Idaho Senator Larry Craig did at the local airport.
Although the convention is still some 90 days away, Minneapolis vegans are already being infiltrated by the FBI for any signs that they might throw rotten eggs, interrupt a steak dinner, or impugn the reputation of America’s dairy producers. At least that’s what local law enforcement wants them to believe is the reason for their search for informants to creep into the infidel’s pot-luck dinners.
In the meantime, draconian restrictions on mass protests have been imposed by local authorities to make sure that those who believe Saddam Hussein personally led the September 11 attacks are not discouraged by local unpleasantness. Protestors must register six months before the start of the convention under rules demanded by GOP officials. This means that protests can begin immediately after Election Day.
Still, there is one bit of good news for both residents and those attending the convention. Minnesota’s legislators have approved plans to keep bars open two extra hours for the duration in case anyone is driven to drink by the GOP gathering. If you’re a Republican in a Twin Cities bar at 3 AM, expect a phone call from Hillary.
Geno Bisconte is a serious comedian, who you won’t find in a bar at 3 AM unless there are laughs to be had. Bisconte serves up a full menu of jokes, pratfalls and zingers all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Join him at 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday night. Be sure to register with security if you are a vegan.

Chris Porter: Hillary Holds a Grand Old Party

Senator Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, announced plans for a hostile takeover of the declining Republican Party. “Our hostile takeover of the Democratic Party does not appear to be working, “Mrs. Clinton admitted to a passing pundit, “We believe the GOP has been devalued sufficiently among political observers that only a hostile takeover by our organization can save its historic significance. “
Market experts say the Republican party is so devalued that the Clintons may be able to pick up the pieces for less than the recent acquisition of Bear Stearns. The offer came less than 24 hours after Clinton’s massive victory among West Virginia’s conservative voting base while even more conservative voters in Mississippi rejected a Republican candidate for Congress for the third special election in a row. The Clintons promised that West Virginia — dozens of miles from the Washington Beltway — could become the focal point of a new generation of political thought. As Mrs. Clinton met with the current presumptive nominee of the existing GOP, Arizona Senator John McCain at her new West Virginia double-wide, she showed off a new toothless grin. “Welcome to an entirely new Right Wing Conspiracy,” she told reporters. “the Republican Party under my leadership will truly be “almost Heaven.” My husband and I will erect an even bigger tent — an erection that would put even Barrack Obama to shame. “
The Senator hinted to McCain that she would be happy to accept the nomination of the new GOP as McCain’s running mate. She even agreed to call McCain every morning at 3 AM and let him know if his bearings were in working order. If she found them inoperative, she noted, that as Vice President she would know what to do. “I can’t imagine a better future for Senator McCain’s beautiful bearings than to have them rubbed every morning by Senator Clinton,” says Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
Comedian Chris Porter remains too young to lose his bearings. This weekend he will take you on a guided tour of his life that has taken him from the mean streets of Kansas City to “Last Comic Standing’s Live at Gotham,” that airs this summer. In the course of the trip, that begins Wednesday at 8 pm at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The laughs continue Thursday at 8pm, and again Friday and Saturday evening at 8 and 10 pm, you’re guaranteed to break all your funny bones. You have been warned.