Geno Bisconte: A Grand Old Twin Cities Party

Seattle residents are apparently blessed that the city did not pursue the Republican National Convention this year. While the twin cities of Minnesota cheer the financial rewards of hosting 45,000 people that will cheer America’s progress under GOP rule as they sit at outdoor café’s where a major highway bridge collapsed a year before, ordinary residents may face more discomfort than Idaho Senator Larry Craig did at the local airport.
Although the convention is still some 90 days away, Minneapolis vegans are already being infiltrated by the FBI for any signs that they might throw rotten eggs, interrupt a steak dinner, or impugn the reputation of America’s dairy producers. At least that’s what local law enforcement wants them to believe is the reason for their search for informants to creep into the infidel’s pot-luck dinners.
In the meantime, draconian restrictions on mass protests have been imposed by local authorities to make sure that those who believe Saddam Hussein personally led the September 11 attacks are not discouraged by local unpleasantness. Protestors must register six months before the start of the convention under rules demanded by GOP officials. This means that protests can begin immediately after Election Day.
Still, there is one bit of good news for both residents and those attending the convention. Minnesota’s legislators have approved plans to keep bars open two extra hours for the duration in case anyone is driven to drink by the GOP gathering. If you’re a Republican in a Twin Cities bar at 3 AM, expect a phone call from Hillary.
Geno Bisconte is a serious comedian, who you won’t find in a bar at 3 AM unless there are laughs to be had. Bisconte serves up a full menu of jokes, pratfalls and zingers all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Join him at 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday night. Be sure to register with security if you are a vegan.

Geno Bisconte: Flush With Excitement

International space travel is a moving experience. It is a billion dollar enterprise of technology, courage, and rudimentary plumbing boldly flushing where no man has flushed before.
Until now.
Astronauts living in the claustrophobic confines of the International Space Station report the most vexing problem in the history of the space time continuum. If a plumber is called to fix a toilet in the far reaches of outer space, where Mondays and Sundays can pass faster than a can of out-of-date chili, does he bill for weekend hours?
NASA’s Roto Rooter division is breathlessly awaiting the answer to this problem as astronauts and cosmonauts become increasingly P.O.’d by the absence of a working toilet in the space station. In a world of zero gravity, plumbing failures are never a minor obstruction. It doesn’t help that the failed toilet was built by Russian engineers who have been unable to find suitable relief for the station’s inhabitants.
Thus, the Shuttle Discovery is poised to eliminate more waste than a library of Bush administration tell-all books as it prepares to carefully plunge into the space station this weekend, one ballcock at a time. Of course, if NASA had any Vulcan logic or at least had a feminist thought, there would be more than one toilet on the space station.
But then, whoever said there was intelligent life on Earth?
If you have any misconceptions about intelligent life on this planet, Geno Bisconte will discount them. Be sure to join Geno this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club for shows at 8 pm Thursday, and 8pm and 10:30 Friday and Saturday. The Mainstage Comedy and Music Club has good, patriotic American toilets. Most of the time, they work.

Geno Bisconte: The Naked Truth

Until now, America had never talked about it.
It was one of those unkind things you never say in a political campaign, like how Senator Robert Kennedy’s 1968 California victory ended tragically. For many Americans it was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside the perfect abs with which they once shared a desire to “have a beer.”
As the President of the United States shadowed his heir apparent away from a a sparsely attended, scheduled interlude at the Phoenix Convention Center, the media lights — powered by a former sage advisor — accentuated the moment. Fortunately, an adequate venue was quickly found at Sky Harbor Airport. The chief executive and his remaining faithful jammed into the men's room to watch an impromptu performance put on by the Republican Senator from Idaho. "I am glad someone in our party still has a wide stance," Mr. Bush said.
Still, even in this joyous moment, the truth was revealed for all the world to hear:
“The Emperor is wearing no clothes,” yelled out a veteran campaigner who had followed George W. Bush from Austin to Washington, DC. Scott McClellan, who had assured America that its investment in George W. Bush included only the highest quality fabric, was now pointing out the obvious. Mr. McClellan noted that the emperor he served had not even worn the basics. “If only, his vestments had included a lying sack of crap, I wouldn’t be this ashamed.”
Even the host Senator from Arizona, who had once been dressed to the hilt, had now been divested of his once non-gay apparel. His straight talk was just a memory as his mentor cast aside invisible cod pieces in his direction. “Friends,I feel fabulous,” McCain said in a high pitch voice, as he turned to the naked chief executive and noted “you light up my life.”
Geno Bisconte will do just about anything to make you smile. If it means criticizing your fashion sense, then so be it. Geno lights up the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club stage this weekend for five shows, at 8 pm Thursday and 8pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. Come, enjoy the end of the lusty month of May. But, please be sure you aren’t wrapped in the Emperor’s clothing.

April Macie: A Grand Slam Performance

A growing movement formed in the doomed public toilets in downtown Seattle is blocking demolition teams from removing one of the city’s most recently condemned landmarks. “Save Our Denny’s,” protestors shouted out as they marched in front of the currently vacant structure that once housed Ballard’s treasured gastronomical attraction. “Just because the Seattle Mariners aren’t hitting a lot of grand slams these days, doesn’t mean we can’t have Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast,” a rotund protestor remarked.
Just hours before, the city’s Landmark Preservation Board allowed the building’s owners to demolish the building despite its earlier decision to preserve the spot for history. Countless former Ballard seniors treasure their free Birthday breakfasts and their first selections from the landmark Senior Menu. “We know that the Denny’s management appreciated Ballard back in the days when our faces were all Scandinavian White.”
Now, however, the milestone eatery will join the Doggie Diner, the Twin Teepees and other long-forgotten 24-hour greasy spoons in the Cuisinart of Seattle culinary history. The Googie kitsch from vinyl booths to its coffe-stained carpets will die a quick death in the modern beams and skylights of still another condo project. Somewhere, a grease-stained laborer will cry tears stained with tobacco sauce.
Protestors forming the “Save Our Denny’s group had planned to break for French fries after their exasperating five minute rebellion, however, the snack bar at Ballard’s Sunset Bowl was also no longer there.
April Macie comes from the Northeast where lunch counters and street-corner pretzel vendors still survive. This weekend she brings her own flavors to five shows at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club beginning Thursday evening. Macie, performs at 8 pm Thursday, and 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. Come share April Macie’s sense of humor and a Mainstage menu that will make you forget Denny’s. You don’t even have to bring your own tobacco sauce or public toilet.

April Macie: It's Not Over Until It's Over

“Happy New Year!” Senator Barrack Obama shouted to crowds at his stunning victory party in Des Moines, Iowa, as his spiritual advisor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright looked on in admiration. “Before these cold, snowy days of winter break into a glorious Pacific Northwest climax on the banks of the Willamette River, let us bring together the working people of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and all the way to Kentucky and West Virginia!"
Movie Producer Harold Ramis, serving as campaign advisor to Obama admitted that the moment reminded him of Groundhog’s Day all over again. As Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani told CNN cameras that the Obama victory in Iowa would be as temporary as Democratic control of the Congress, other Republicans chopped their lips hoping for a Clinton victory in New Hampshire.
Cable News directors looked puzzled at the snowy Iowa scene, on an evening where it seemed like the Democratic Primary season had ended just the day before. Perhaps a low-hanging technician had forgotten to load a fresh disk into the control room video center, and instead pushed rewind on an old VHS system that was still flashing _12:00. At any rate, the thought of a “fair and balanced” rewind of a campaign that sent the cable news channels into Halliburton-style uplift, could not be argued. If it was good enough for Senator Hillary Clinton, Groundhog’s Day — Election 2008 Edition was good enough for the cable networks. “Even if it is a repeat, it’s almost summer time anyway,” a cable producer noted. “If this campaign season ends now we won’t have anything to do until the end of August.”
Supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton hoped that the latest run would end a little differently, noting that the former First Lady plans for some “minor revisions” of her part in the replay. Senator Obama, however, says plans for Senator Clinton to escape sniper fire from the forces of Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee at the NRA convention may be a bit too much.
You can escape the sniper fire of every day work this Memorial Day weekend as you relax and enjoy the comic musings of April Macie at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Macie, based in New York, has appeared on television’s Last Comic Standing, and will haunt you with her stories of growing up in Pennsylvania. If you love her show, Thursday, attend again Friday, or Saturday. If you like her at 8pm, attend again at 10:30 pm. You might enjoy this more than rewinding through the current campaign season.

Open Mic: Mariners Are Finally OK

In an unexpected move, all of the Seattle Mariners have been traded for the would-be Oklahoma Supersonics. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he was able to convince owner Clay Bennett that the current Mariners share a distinct position with the Sonics — last place in their division. “Instead of a mere five starting players that Oklahoma gets with the Sonics,” Nickels says, “The Mariners come with a starting nine — giving them more bang for their bucks.”
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.

Open Mic: Appalachian-AID

In a continuing effort to outperform the Obama bandwagon, Senator Hillary Clinton today plans a rally destined to attract the entire populations of the states of West Virginia and Kentucky. Following in the footsteps of Senator Barrack Obama who held a massive rally on the banks of the Willamette River in Portland, and Obama’s expected return to Iowa to declare victory in the state where his success began, Clinton plans a rally on the shores of the Big Sandy River — the border between West Virginia and Kentucky — to mark her expected victory in the Bluegrass state Tuesday, and thank her West Virginia voters for her massive victory last week.
Signs reading “Free Meth^odology” were posted throughout the two states’ Appalachian communities. Clinton campaign spokespeople refused to comment on whether Clinton had subscribed to some new political ideology or if the signs meant something else. Some observers noted that the banners were not large enough to fit the entire slogan, and the phrase “odology” had to be scratched on the sign in small print. “This is not over, “said a member of the Clinton campaign as she stepped out of the massive “mess tent” that appeared to hold hundreds of camp stoves. Secret Service officials declined to comment on the large number of bomb squad vehicles parked near the tent.
In order to attract the “working class white Americans” she expects to boost her to ultimate victory, Clinton has invited her Arkansas friend, former governor and former GOP presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. Huckabee was a “last minute choice” that just came to Clinton after he expounded on his “vision” at last week’s NRA convention. “I think it’s time to trigger a bipartisan vision that will be best for working class white America,” Clinton told reporters.
If you have a vision beyond traveling to the camp stoves of Appalachia, you just might enjoy the laughs at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club every Tuesday night. Open Mic comedy can be a lot of fun as both a participant and an audience member. See would-be fools become comedians, and see comedians become fools. Who knows, if you’ve ever thought about becoming a comedian, you might find you’re a better funny man than Mike Huckabee.