Open Mic: Mariners Need Public Displays of Affection

A week after a controversial kiss between two women became the most dramatic moment in this Seattle Mariners most lost season, the team is apologizing for chastising the two women involved. Consequently, by popular demand, the entire Mariners team will be replaced by a hot, young, softball team made up entirely of lesbians hitting better than most of the Mariners. “In the words of our management,” a Mariners spokesman said, “if the team can’t bunt, it’s time to go * ^{[*word that rhymes with bunt]}.”
At the same time, the team will add a “Bobbleboob” night to its marketing ventures to draw both gay and straight fans to an evening of baseball to remember. Both lesbians and gay men will be invited to perform “public displays of affection” in the seats that are guaranteed to bring thousands of spectators that have never seen a “ball” game before. With the Mariners struggling in last place during a season when many predicted they would be fighting for their first-ever World Series, Mariners management is apparently ready to experiment with whatever will sell a ticket or a bottle of beer. “Given some of the decisions we’ve made in player personnel in the past few seasons,” Mariners President Howard Lincoln remarked, “we have to look at whatever we can do to increase our ERA (Earned Revenue Average).”
If a struggling baseball team is not your cup of tea, try a profile in courage in comedy or music. Every Tuesday evening a new face steps in front of the crowd at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club to pitch a new joke, or make a sacrifice to music. It’s an evening of over-achievers and under-achievers, and enough fun to make Tuesdays a night to idolize new American talent. See new and used comedians at 7 pm. At 9pm, you can see if the talented or struggling musicians have any strings attached to their career hopes. Feel free to show your public display of affection.