Kermit Apio: Oklahoma is NOT OK

Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett says he will acquire the $26 million ferry boat rejected by the Washington State Ferry System in order to make the team more comfortable in Oklahoma City. He says the state of Washington continues to let money get in the way of making decisions to make the area more attractive for “Okies.”
The state ferry rejected a Todd Shipyard bid this week for a replacement ferry to sail from Keystone to Port Townsend. The only bidder asked more than $9 million above the system’s planned budget. “Once again, the public refuses to pay a little extra for a recreational offering that my neighbors in Oklahoma City will enjoy,” Bennett says.
The new ferry boat will traverse the majestic Oklahoma River (formerly known as the Canadian River) as it makes its way through downtown Oklahoma City. Up until now, the river could accommodate only rowboats, but Bennett believes he can convince the city to pay for a $500 billion excavation project that will make the Oklahoma “a major league river.”
Bennett says he continues to look around for other area landmarks to bring with him to Oklahoma City. Rumors are that he is now looking at picking up the newly historic-designated former Ballard Denny’s to the land “ where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.” Bennett says he can’t imagine a more suitable landing for the Ballard Denny’s than in downtown Oklahoma City, right near the Ford Center where the Sonics will soon play. "For some reason, I can visualize a Broadway musical being staged on the decks of the ferry boat,” Bennett added.
Kermet Apio will sweep your decks clean of all memories of Oklahoma, and instead will give you a more tropical perspective from his Hawaiian background. Apio appears at 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday night at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Unlike Oklahoma, he is far more than OK.

Kermet Apio: Bagging the Good Ones

The proposed tax for picking up bags at Seattle grocery stores is entirely unfair! We, the old bags of Seattle, object to this misogynistic approach to global cooling. Firsts of all, I don’t think the term “old bags” is very nice. Just because I haven’t had a date in 20 years, my face is wrinkled, and I hang out around the “Depends” aisle, doesn’t make me an old bag!
I used to be beautiful! I used to be brilliant, in fact, I have a college degree, and I read everything from Schopenhauer to Erma Bombeck. I love animals and children — not to mention rainbows and unicorns. I am not a prude, I will even watch football on TV and visit strip clubs in Portland.
So, just because I also have dark side that begins with my taste in chocolate, and ends with my thought that every man should have their pubic hairs ripped out one by one while having knitting needles poked into his tender areas — just because I think all men are dirt — I should have my match.com membership revoked?
So I’ve put on a few hundred pounds and I haven’t seen a dentist since I was in college. Does that give the city the right to put a tax on my head? I resent the label old bag!
What’s that? OH! The bag tax in Seattle is on PLASTIC or PAPER bags?
Never mind.
Whether you pick paper or plastic in your love life, you must see Kermet Apio this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Kermet will send you into laughter without taxing your sensitivity. See him Thursday evening at 8 pm, and 8pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. You’ll be glad you came — even if you have to put a bag over your head.

Kermet Apio: Aloha to April Fools

As the NBA governors prepare to meet on the future of the Seattle Sonics franchise, multiple efforts are being made to prevent the Emerald City’s sputtering roundballers from following the trail of tears into Oklahoma City. While there was a lot of attention on a plan by group of Microsoft millionaires to rebuild Key Arena in keeping with NBA dreams, and a brand new plan that would put a privately owned billion-dollar sports palace with retractable roof on the Seattle waterfront, there was a far more likely plan put forth at a late April 1 news conference held immediately after the regular Tuesday night comedy and music open mic at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club.
The three principals at the lower Queen Anne club that has changed the look of the local comedy scene in more ways than one, announced a plan for a spectacular renovation of the club and Key Arena directly across the street. An artist conception of the Patti Allen Arena — named for one of the three founders of the rare women-owned comedy club — shows a dramatic 100,000-seat thunderdome suitable for NBA basketball, a Willie Nelson Farm-Aid Concert, or a Microsoft post-mortem product manager meeting. At one end of the stadium a standard standup microphone will tower at a height just below the Space Needle. A house sports jacket, draped over the microphone — complete with a Sonics logo — symbolizes the sense of fashion the Mainstage has given the Seattle comedy scene. “The elevated microphone standing in front of the Space Needle will allow the Space Needle restaurant to double as an intimate comedy club,” Allen noted, chewing on the remains of her April Fool’s Day birthday cake.
At the other end of the arena, a huge Diamond Vision screen will allow NBA fans to watch their choice of six other games if the future Sonics franchise gets too depressing. Fans that are severely depressed will have an opportunity to tune in to a tape of the 1979 Sonics NBA championship game. Also, fans will be able to listen to live comedy — including a comic play by play of the current game — from headphones installed at every seat.
The gathered press from publications such as the Queen Anne Monitor and the West Mercer Independent Living Center Monthly Newsletter raised a number of major questions about the project, such as its costs and financing for what some fear could run into many billions of dollars. However, Mainstage owner Julie Mains says comedians have offered hours of their precious sober time to help on construction of the clay building that may take some time to cure under the Seattle sun. For that reason, construction may require the lifetime of several generations of Seattle comedians.
Still, the final cost may be far less than the billion-dollar waterfront plan. “If we can get some help from the Queen Anne Elementary School finger painters, we can probably get this done with our three economic stimulus checks that we’re getting from the government in May,” Mains estimates.
If you’re unwilling to wait for the planned 22nd Century completion, you can join the hilarious Kermet Apio and his gentle, but diverse Hawaiian humor at the Mainstage this weekend. Apio will perform at 8pm Thursday, and 8pm and 10:30pm Friday and Saturday. After you finish drinking and laughing you might want to sign up for our construction team.