Kermet Apio: Aloha to April Fools

As the NBA governors prepare to meet on the future of the Seattle Sonics franchise, multiple efforts are being made to prevent the Emerald City’s sputtering roundballers from following the trail of tears into Oklahoma City. While there was a lot of attention on a plan by group of Microsoft millionaires to rebuild Key Arena in keeping with NBA dreams, and a brand new plan that would put a privately owned billion-dollar sports palace with retractable roof on the Seattle waterfront, there was a far more likely plan put forth at a late April 1 news conference held immediately after the regular Tuesday night comedy and music open mic at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club.
The three principals at the lower Queen Anne club that has changed the look of the local comedy scene in more ways than one, announced a plan for a spectacular renovation of the club and Key Arena directly across the street. An artist conception of the Patti Allen Arena — named for one of the three founders of the rare women-owned comedy club — shows a dramatic 100,000-seat thunderdome suitable for NBA basketball, a Willie Nelson Farm-Aid Concert, or a Microsoft post-mortem product manager meeting. At one end of the stadium a standard standup microphone will tower at a height just below the Space Needle. A house sports jacket, draped over the microphone — complete with a Sonics logo — symbolizes the sense of fashion the Mainstage has given the Seattle comedy scene. “The elevated microphone standing in front of the Space Needle will allow the Space Needle restaurant to double as an intimate comedy club,” Allen noted, chewing on the remains of her April Fool’s Day birthday cake.
At the other end of the arena, a huge Diamond Vision screen will allow NBA fans to watch their choice of six other games if the future Sonics franchise gets too depressing. Fans that are severely depressed will have an opportunity to tune in to a tape of the 1979 Sonics NBA championship game. Also, fans will be able to listen to live comedy — including a comic play by play of the current game — from headphones installed at every seat.
The gathered press from publications such as the Queen Anne Monitor and the West Mercer Independent Living Center Monthly Newsletter raised a number of major questions about the project, such as its costs and financing for what some fear could run into many billions of dollars. However, Mainstage owner Julie Mains says comedians have offered hours of their precious sober time to help on construction of the clay building that may take some time to cure under the Seattle sun. For that reason, construction may require the lifetime of several generations of Seattle comedians.
Still, the final cost may be far less than the billion-dollar waterfront plan. “If we can get some help from the Queen Anne Elementary School finger painters, we can probably get this done with our three economic stimulus checks that we’re getting from the government in May,” Mains estimates.
If you’re unwilling to wait for the planned 22nd Century completion, you can join the hilarious Kermet Apio and his gentle, but diverse Hawaiian humor at the Mainstage this weekend. Apio will perform at 8pm Thursday, and 8pm and 10:30pm Friday and Saturday. After you finish drinking and laughing you might want to sign up for our construction team.

Open Mic Welcomes Rough Riders

Sources in Oklahoma City say a ballot issue being voted on today — designed to bring the Seattle Sonics to Oklahoma — may not generate enough funds to get the Sonics all the way to Oklahoma City. Sonics owner Clay Bennett says he will attempt to bring the franchise somewhere in between Oklahoma City and Seattle — perhaps Jackson Hole, Wyoming. “We think that might be the best of both worlds, “Bennett says,” since real NBA fans are quite prepared to pay more for parking and a cup of beer than what it takes to commute to Jackson Hole for 81 games.”
Seattle Mayor Greg Nickles says the Sonics must stay in Seattle “even if we have to expand the Seattle city limits into Wyoming.” Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett says even though Oklahoma City has cheaper gasoline than Seattle, the city’s roughnecks are likely to object to traveling to Wyoming unless they can be assured of making the trip without worrying about a DUI.
Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, assured of enough delegates to become the presumptive GOP nominee says he welcomes the endorsement of the current President of the United States — even though the latter’s poll numbers are among the lowest for an incumbent in history. McCain says he shares a lot with the current holder of the office, “not the least of these is Teddy Roosevelt’s successful environmental record, and his military precision as a Rough Rider.”
Do you think an open mic night is pretty rough riding? Perhaps you’ve thought about giving it a try in front of the majestic warmth of the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Whether you “Remember the Maine” or don’t remember what you had for breakfast this morning, the evening’s host Derek Sheen will guide you through the bells and whistles of an open mic any Tuesday on which you show. If you’re obviously from Oklahoma City, however, you might want to be careful crossing the street to Key Arena.