Open Mic: Torture is Taxing

Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he deducted more than $500,000 from his 2007 tax bills for “bullets and devices.” The deduction he says is necessary because more and more members of the public demand that the vice president take them out on quail hunting trips. “Inevitably, I have to shoot someone in the face so they can go home and say ‘I took a bullet from the vice president.’
Cheney says the bullets are legitimate deductions because they are demanded by American taxpayers who hound his office in an effort to have their faces shot. Cheney says he has receipts printed by the US Treasury department and the Bureau of Engraving for each and every bullet he shot. “These expenses are as authentic as the aluminum tubes from Africa that Saddam Hussein used to import uranium,” he declared.
Cheney admits that some of the expenses for “other devices” might fall under suspicion, as they were installed in the basement of the Vice President’s mansion at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC. These devices may or may not have included instruments meant to impress foreign nationals who were not sufficiently impressed by similar devices at Guantanamo, Cheney says. “Sometimes these folks appreciate my personal touch,” Cheney said, laughing a sinister laugh.
If you find your own calculations on this Tax Day torturous, perhaps you need some comic relief? Tonight, after you put that return in the mail, check into open mic at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. They’ll make you laugh, they’ll make you sing, and if you say “thank you sir, may I have another,” they’ll introduce you to the vice president. This weekend, you’ll be ready for comic Mike Marino, who plays Thursday and Friday evening.