Tom Simmons: Security in Comedy

It’s 3 AM, your children are safely in bed after you’ve bailed them out of the county jail on another drunken driving charge. Meanwhile, the red phone rings at the White House, signaling a security threat to America. America’s first gentleman, Bill Clinton has been caught unzipping the burqa of a staff member at the Iranian mission to the UN in New York. Iran’s ambassador addresses the United Nations Security Council to denounce President Hillary Clinton and declares an immediate Jihad. Suddenly, you think about why that phone is ringing, and why you hope the Canadian Army will soon invade the state of Washington, sometimes known as Baja British Columbia. Where is George W. Bush when we need him?
Meanwhile, Seattle’s expansion NBA franchise, the NEW Seattle Supersonics — made up of a geriatric pickup team practicing at the nearby 24-Hour Fitness Center — routs the Oklahoma City Old Supersonics on the way to the playoffs in their inaugural season. The New Supersonics take advantage of a high definition technology advance in the remodeled former Key Arena (now the Google YouTube Arena). With the three dimensional technology, the New Supersonics can virtually take on the characteristics of Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, and other basketball greats after drinking a new blend of limited edition Starbucks coffee created by Starbucks CEO and former Sonics owner Howard Schultz. “I was staying up nights trying to think how I can improve my legacy within the city of Seattle,” Schultz says. “Reviving the Sonics in more ways than one, will work — I think.”
Before the work begins at Google YouTube Arena, make it your mission to follow the comic stylings of Tom Simmons. There’s sports, there’s child-raising, and there’s philosophical thinking throughout. He appears all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club, directly across the street. Shows begin at 8 and 10:30 pm, Friday and Saturday night. Women and children can feel far more secure in the surroundings of Tom Simmons than in the neighborhood of America’s potential First Gentleman.