Tom Simmons: Security in Comedy

It’s 3 AM, your children are safely in bed after you’ve bailed them out of the county jail on another drunken driving charge. Meanwhile, the red phone rings at the White House, signaling a security threat to America. America’s first gentleman, Bill Clinton has been caught unzipping the burqa of a staff member at the Iranian mission to the UN in New York. Iran’s ambassador addresses the United Nations Security Council to denounce President Hillary Clinton and declares an immediate Jihad. Suddenly, you think about why that phone is ringing, and why you hope the Canadian Army will soon invade the state of Washington, sometimes known as Baja British Columbia. Where is George W. Bush when we need him?
Meanwhile, Seattle’s expansion NBA franchise, the NEW Seattle Supersonics — made up of a geriatric pickup team practicing at the nearby 24-Hour Fitness Center — routs the Oklahoma City Old Supersonics on the way to the playoffs in their inaugural season. The New Supersonics take advantage of a high definition technology advance in the remodeled former Key Arena (now the Google YouTube Arena). With the three dimensional technology, the New Supersonics can virtually take on the characteristics of Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, and other basketball greats after drinking a new blend of limited edition Starbucks coffee created by Starbucks CEO and former Sonics owner Howard Schultz. “I was staying up nights trying to think how I can improve my legacy within the city of Seattle,” Schultz says. “Reviving the Sonics in more ways than one, will work — I think.”
Before the work begins at Google YouTube Arena, make it your mission to follow the comic stylings of Tom Simmons. There’s sports, there’s child-raising, and there’s philosophical thinking throughout. He appears all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club, directly across the street. Shows begin at 8 and 10:30 pm, Friday and Saturday night. Women and children can feel far more secure in the surroundings of Tom Simmons than in the neighborhood of America’s potential First Gentleman.

Tom Simmons: A Nutritious Wide Stance

Are you a bad boy? A nasty, nasty, bad boy? Do you love your wife, and are definitely NOT gay? Then you might be just the candidate for an intern position in Washington, DC. None other than Mr. Wide Stance himself is advertising for interns to serve the people of Idaho and the interests of its senior US Senator, Larry Craig. It is important that you love the roar of politics, the smell of the plumbing, and know the identities of undercover airport police. To apply, tap three times at an airport men’s room near you.
Do you really want to know how many calories there are in a Big Mac? Do you want to know the nutritional value of that super venti, skinny, caramel, Frappuccino? The good shepherds of King County had plans to force every server of edible products to clearly state the contents and nutritional information of every meal, but apparently the foam has risen among Eastern Washington gastro control libertarians. They sense a measure that could soon reach its ugly tentacles all the way to the Applets & Cotlets society. Consequently, the state Legislature has told King County to retain the mystery surrounding what we eat until it is defined in our death certificate.
There is no mystery around the comedy of Tom Simmons. His comedy is the kind you love to chew on. And folks around North America have experienced a philosophical renaissance that makes them reach beyond the typical applets & cotlets of entertainment and enter a more cerebral digestive experience.
You can experience Tom Simmons Thursday through Saturday at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The doors are open, there’s no need to knock three times.

Tom Simmons: It's Deja Vu All Over Again

Seattle continues to gentrify from its working class, tree-hugging origins to the upscale, world class, espresso-sipping country club that it has become. Still, it is good to know that there is still room for mixed use. In between the multi-million-dollar “cozy” penthouses going up downtown, a little bit of Seattle heritage is quietly being squeezed in to make sure that all of Seattle’s Nuevo Rich will have a place to get their jollies. Yes, right there between the Federal Courthouse and a fancy new condo tower, will be a brand spanking new Déjà Vu Club and its 50 beautiful girls — and three ugly ones. Presumably the strip club’s motto won’t be mistaken for a feature list at the condo — or the courthouse.
Meanwhile, presumptive Republican presidential contender John McCain is hot under the collar about a picture circulating through the Internet from sources allegedly tied to the Barrack Obama campaign. McCain admitted that the picture showing him in a Civil War-era Southern confederate war uniform is authentic. He says, however, that he “was very young at the time of the war,” and he did not consider all the implications of joining the Confederate Army.
Chances are the topical humor you will experience with Tom Simmons this weekend won’t be as old as John McCain’s Civil War uniform. Imagine someone as fresh as Comedy Central, as world class as the Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, and someone with the courage to make soldiers laugh in Iraq.
You won’t find him at the Déjà vu — this weekend you’ll find him at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. His attention will be on you.