It’s 3 AM, your children are safely in bed after you’ve bailed them out of the county jail on another drunken driving charge. Meanwhile, the red phone rings at the White House, signaling a security threat to America. America’s first gentleman, Bill Clinton has been caught unzipping the burqa of a staff member at the Iranian mission to the UN in New York. Iran’s ambassador addresses the United Nations Security Council to denounce President Hillary Clinton and declares an immediate Jihad. Suddenly, you think about why that phone is ringing, and why you hope the Canadian Army will soon invade the state of Washington, sometimes known as Baja British Columbia. Where is George W. Bush when we need him?
Meanwhile, Seattle’s expansion NBA franchise, the NEW Seattle Supersonics — made up of a geriatric pickup team practicing at the nearby 24-Hour Fitness Center — routs the Oklahoma City Old Supersonics on the way to the playoffs in their inaugural season. The New Supersonics take advantage of a high definition technology advance in the remodeled former Key Arena (now the Google YouTube Arena). With the three dimensional technology, the New Supersonics can virtually take on the characteristics of Wilt Chamberlain, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, and other basketball greats after drinking a new blend of limited edition Starbucks coffee created by Starbucks CEO and former Sonics owner Howard Schultz. “I was staying up nights trying to think how I can improve my legacy within the city of Seattle,” Schultz says. “Reviving the Sonics in more ways than one, will work — I think.”
Before the work begins at Google YouTube Arena, make it your mission to follow the comic stylings of Tom Simmons. There’s sports, there’s child-raising, and there’s philosophical thinking throughout. He appears all weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club, directly across the street. Shows begin at 8 and 10:30 pm, Friday and Saturday night. Women and children can feel far more secure in the surroundings of Tom Simmons than in the neighborhood of America’s potential First Gentleman.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
TOM SIMMONS: Rising to a Point
The official Klu Klux Klan Web site has forcefully denied that it has endorsed the election of Barrack Obama for the office of president of the United States. The site says despite rumors to that effect on a “National Enquirer” – like Web site, the KKK has decided against violating its tradition of supporting good Christian white men who cannot trace their genealogy to the African continent. The Klan says there might have been some mix-up when its governing board sent its congratulations to the anti-Semitic OSAMA bin-Laden.
Meanwhile, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has reported that even here in Obasmic Seattle, people of color who have a close encounter of the local law enforcement kind are far more likely to be charged with “obstruction of a police officer” while nursing injuries from that encounter. The newspaper says the “contempt of cop” charge” is eventually dropped after police complete investigations of suspects. Senator Obama, who was released 24 hours after he objected to fire marshalls closing the doors to Key Arena to thousands of additional people wanting to get in, says he appreciates his ultimate release from the King County Jail to continue his campaign. Obama says he will not return to Key Arena during the fall campaign and will move his Seattle campaign office to Oklahoma City.
Tonight, Tom Simmons moves his comedy performance to the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club — directly across the street from Key Arena. Whether you are a Grand Kleagle, a good Christian, or you use your Bible to store envelopes containing illegal substances, you’ll find that Simmons comes to a point — just like the headgear of those Obama-loving Klansmen. Come to the Mainstage Comedy Club beginning tonight at 8 pm, and continuing at 8 and 10:30 pm, Friday and Saturday. If you are a person of color, however, be careful that you don’t block the fire exits.
Meanwhile, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has reported that even here in Obasmic Seattle, people of color who have a close encounter of the local law enforcement kind are far more likely to be charged with “obstruction of a police officer” while nursing injuries from that encounter. The newspaper says the “contempt of cop” charge” is eventually dropped after police complete investigations of suspects. Senator Obama, who was released 24 hours after he objected to fire marshalls closing the doors to Key Arena to thousands of additional people wanting to get in, says he appreciates his ultimate release from the King County Jail to continue his campaign. Obama says he will not return to Key Arena during the fall campaign and will move his Seattle campaign office to Oklahoma City.
Tonight, Tom Simmons moves his comedy performance to the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club — directly across the street from Key Arena. Whether you are a Grand Kleagle, a good Christian, or you use your Bible to store envelopes containing illegal substances, you’ll find that Simmons comes to a point — just like the headgear of those Obama-loving Klansmen. Come to the Mainstage Comedy Club beginning tonight at 8 pm, and continuing at 8 and 10:30 pm, Friday and Saturday. If you are a person of color, however, be careful that you don’t block the fire exits.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tom Simmons: A Nutritious Wide Stance
Are you a bad boy? A nasty, nasty, bad boy? Do you love your wife, and are definitely NOT gay? Then you might be just the candidate for an intern position in Washington, DC. None other than Mr. Wide Stance himself is advertising for interns to serve the people of Idaho and the interests of its senior US Senator, Larry Craig. It is important that you love the roar of politics, the smell of the plumbing, and know the identities of undercover airport police. To apply, tap three times at an airport men’s room near you.
Do you really want to know how many calories there are in a Big Mac? Do you want to know the nutritional value of that super venti, skinny, caramel, Frappuccino? The good shepherds of King County had plans to force every server of edible products to clearly state the contents and nutritional information of every meal, but apparently the foam has risen among Eastern Washington gastro control libertarians. They sense a measure that could soon reach its ugly tentacles all the way to the Applets & Cotlets society. Consequently, the state Legislature has told King County to retain the mystery surrounding what we eat until it is defined in our death certificate.
There is no mystery around the comedy of Tom Simmons. His comedy is the kind you love to chew on. And folks around North America have experienced a philosophical renaissance that makes them reach beyond the typical applets & cotlets of entertainment and enter a more cerebral digestive experience.
You can experience Tom Simmons Thursday through Saturday at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The doors are open, there’s no need to knock three times.
Do you really want to know how many calories there are in a Big Mac? Do you want to know the nutritional value of that super venti, skinny, caramel, Frappuccino? The good shepherds of King County had plans to force every server of edible products to clearly state the contents and nutritional information of every meal, but apparently the foam has risen among Eastern Washington gastro control libertarians. They sense a measure that could soon reach its ugly tentacles all the way to the Applets & Cotlets society. Consequently, the state Legislature has told King County to retain the mystery surrounding what we eat until it is defined in our death certificate.
There is no mystery around the comedy of Tom Simmons. His comedy is the kind you love to chew on. And folks around North America have experienced a philosophical renaissance that makes them reach beyond the typical applets & cotlets of entertainment and enter a more cerebral digestive experience.
You can experience Tom Simmons Thursday through Saturday at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The doors are open, there’s no need to knock three times.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tom Simmons: It's Deja Vu All Over Again
Seattle continues to gentrify from its working class, tree-hugging origins to the upscale, world class, espresso-sipping country club that it has become. Still, it is good to know that there is still room for mixed use. In between the multi-million-dollar “cozy” penthouses going up downtown, a little bit of Seattle heritage is quietly being squeezed in to make sure that all of Seattle’s Nuevo Rich will have a place to get their jollies. Yes, right there between the Federal Courthouse and a fancy new condo tower, will be a brand spanking new Déjà Vu Club and its 50 beautiful girls — and three ugly ones. Presumably the strip club’s motto won’t be mistaken for a feature list at the condo — or the courthouse.
Meanwhile, presumptive Republican presidential contender John McCain is hot under the collar about a picture circulating through the Internet from sources allegedly tied to the Barrack Obama campaign. McCain admitted that the picture showing him in a Civil War-era Southern confederate war uniform is authentic. He says, however, that he “was very young at the time of the war,” and he did not consider all the implications of joining the Confederate Army.
Chances are the topical humor you will experience with Tom Simmons this weekend won’t be as old as John McCain’s Civil War uniform. Imagine someone as fresh as Comedy Central, as world class as the Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, and someone with the courage to make soldiers laugh in Iraq.
You won’t find him at the Déjà vu — this weekend you’ll find him at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. His attention will be on you.
Meanwhile, presumptive Republican presidential contender John McCain is hot under the collar about a picture circulating through the Internet from sources allegedly tied to the Barrack Obama campaign. McCain admitted that the picture showing him in a Civil War-era Southern confederate war uniform is authentic. He says, however, that he “was very young at the time of the war,” and he did not consider all the implications of joining the Confederate Army.
Chances are the topical humor you will experience with Tom Simmons this weekend won’t be as old as John McCain’s Civil War uniform. Imagine someone as fresh as Comedy Central, as world class as the Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, and someone with the courage to make soldiers laugh in Iraq.
You won’t find him at the Déjà vu — this weekend you’ll find him at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. His attention will be on you.
Monday, February 25, 2008
What’s wrong with your average Washington millionaire? The same upscale crowd that will bid $10 million for a Medina fixer-upper, $8 million for a lock of hair from the departed Kurt Cobain, or $6 million for a week’s supply of kosher, baby goat cheese freshly flown in from the jungles of Bangladesh, won’t even point their browsers at eBay long enough to ponder a former Washington State passenger-only ferry.
The Washington State Ferry System reported no takers in its attempt to sell the MV Chinnook for $4.5 million on eBay this past week. Imagine 350 of your friends being able to moon the common people requiring common heavily carbon-fueled on the 520 bridge as you escort them across the water aboard your very own $4.5 million muscle boat. It would be like seventh grade at Lakeside School all over again! If every upscale resident of the East Side had their very own ferry boat, the state wouldn’t even have to build a new floating bridge. The state might even have to consider widening Lake Washington all the way to Snoqualmie Pass.
Meanwhile, the Democratic race for President is heating up again, as Hillary Clinton attempted to interrupt Oscar Night in Hollywood with her bid to gain notice for her most recent Ohio campaign ad, called “No Country for Old Bitches.” In it, she berates her opponent Barrack Obama for not growing old on the campaign trail. “Shame on you Barrack Obama,” Clinton told a worldwide television audience of three billion people, “this is right out of the Peter Pan play book.”
Every Tuesday evening, you can watch up and coming, and still to come comedians taking the Mainstage to perform their art. Comedy has no predefined playbook and only the jokes sometimes grow old. If you’re tired of that same old Bangladesh goat cheese in your diet, perhaps you’ll want to take a bite out of your three to five minutes of fame? Open Mic comedy night at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club begins at 7 pm every Tuesday and is hosted by one of Seattle’s best, Derek Sheen. Give it a shot — on stage and from the bar — as you stew over your performance. If you’ve got a song in your heart, you might want to try the musical open mic immediately afterwards. If you’re a success at both, could I get a ride on your new ferry boat?
The Washington State Ferry System reported no takers in its attempt to sell the MV Chinnook for $4.5 million on eBay this past week. Imagine 350 of your friends being able to moon the common people requiring common heavily carbon-fueled on the 520 bridge as you escort them across the water aboard your very own $4.5 million muscle boat. It would be like seventh grade at Lakeside School all over again! If every upscale resident of the East Side had their very own ferry boat, the state wouldn’t even have to build a new floating bridge. The state might even have to consider widening Lake Washington all the way to Snoqualmie Pass.
Meanwhile, the Democratic race for President is heating up again, as Hillary Clinton attempted to interrupt Oscar Night in Hollywood with her bid to gain notice for her most recent Ohio campaign ad, called “No Country for Old Bitches.” In it, she berates her opponent Barrack Obama for not growing old on the campaign trail. “Shame on you Barrack Obama,” Clinton told a worldwide television audience of three billion people, “this is right out of the Peter Pan play book.”
Every Tuesday evening, you can watch up and coming, and still to come comedians taking the Mainstage to perform their art. Comedy has no predefined playbook and only the jokes sometimes grow old. If you’re tired of that same old Bangladesh goat cheese in your diet, perhaps you’ll want to take a bite out of your three to five minutes of fame? Open Mic comedy night at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club begins at 7 pm every Tuesday and is hosted by one of Seattle’s best, Derek Sheen. Give it a shot — on stage and from the bar — as you stew over your performance. If you’ve got a song in your heart, you might want to try the musical open mic immediately afterwards. If you’re a success at both, could I get a ride on your new ferry boat?
Friday, February 22, 2008
Straight outta Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm - Barry Diamond
Barry Diamond sat in the Holiday Inn's diner, eating bacon, after a very successful romp on The Bob Rivers Show. He waxed poetic about the years he was coming up in comedy with the names we love to hear: Jerry Seinfeld, Robin Williams, Larry David.
Old school, New York, with a very eclectic but hilarious act, Mr. Diamond put on quite a show for the thinking person's comedy lover.
If you missed him, his archived show can be seen on our website as brought to you by our partner, SyncLive.com
www.mainstagecomedy.com/BarryDiamond.html
Old school, New York, with a very eclectic but hilarious act, Mr. Diamond put on quite a show for the thinking person's comedy lover.
If you missed him, his archived show can be seen on our website as brought to you by our partner, SyncLive.com
www.mainstagecomedy.com/BarryDiamond.html
Cathy Sorbo: Sparing Some Change
Democratic Presidential contender Hillary Clinton was frogmarched out of the University of Texas auditorium in Austin, Thursday night shortly after debating Barrack Obama before CNN television cameras. Secret Service agents say the New York senator is suspected in an international counterfeiting ring that has been “creating change you can Xerox.” The Secret Service says Clinton may be the brains behind the clever development of a 21st Century Xerox machine that produces prints of individual US state quarters on ordinary slugs. “This is not public information, “ the agent revealed, “ She must know about this technology or she would not have brought it up during the debate.
Clinton says she deeply regrets using the line in the debate. As she was handcuffed and escorted out of the building she admitted that she was “being tested.” Still, she says, she knows that the American people — especially coin collectors — will suffer more.
Meanwhile, in Olympia, a measure to expand this region’s Sound Transit agency into a larger behemoth died shortly after a group of un-bathed homeless people entered the Capitol platform and the driver of the legislation was unable to get them to turn down their boom boxes.
Comedian Cathy Sorbo has many stories to tell about her adventures on local transit that are guaranteed to give you a pleasant ride without additional medication. Be prepared to stop, laugh and listen to a veteran of the Seattle comedy scene that tells her stories in her own words — unless one of her self-built characters puts words in her mouth.
See her this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club in two shows both Friday and Saturday nights at 8:00 and 10:30 pm. Be there before you encounter Hillary Clinton asking for spare change.
http://www.mainstagecomedy.com/CathySorbo.html
Clinton says she deeply regrets using the line in the debate. As she was handcuffed and escorted out of the building she admitted that she was “being tested.” Still, she says, she knows that the American people — especially coin collectors — will suffer more.
Meanwhile, in Olympia, a measure to expand this region’s Sound Transit agency into a larger behemoth died shortly after a group of un-bathed homeless people entered the Capitol platform and the driver of the legislation was unable to get them to turn down their boom boxes.
Comedian Cathy Sorbo has many stories to tell about her adventures on local transit that are guaranteed to give you a pleasant ride without additional medication. Be prepared to stop, laugh and listen to a veteran of the Seattle comedy scene that tells her stories in her own words — unless one of her self-built characters puts words in her mouth.
See her this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club in two shows both Friday and Saturday nights at 8:00 and 10:30 pm. Be there before you encounter Hillary Clinton asking for spare change.
http://www.mainstagecomedy.com/CathySorbo.html
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Cathy Sorbo: A Landmark weekend
Ballard’s kitschy, late, great Denny’s restaurant that sits as the Gateway to the traditional Scandinavian neighborhood has been declared a historic landmark. Developers seeking to turn what one observer described as “a soup can on LSD” into still another high rise condominium are seething in their Prada boots. Apparently, the board decision came after a local historian noted that the restaurant distinguished itself by going beyond the chain’s national reputation of rendering slow service to people of color. The Ballard Denny’s reportedly was the only Denny’s nationwide to snub German Lutherans.
Elsewhere, the aging presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain has fired his secret weapon in preparation for the possibility of going against a very young senator from Illinois in the fall. McCain has enlisted the help of the New York Times in passing rumors that he is sexually active. His “Straight Talk” express trip to the Viagra Dad vote seems contrary to his efforts at reforming the close relations that Washington politicians seem to enjoy with lobbyists. This may, however, be another effort by McCain to appeal to GOP conservatives by likening himself with the late South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, who married a 20-something while in his 80s, and then bought a home near an elementary school.
Cathy Sorbo is all about landmarks and making history. She recently wept openly about the loss of another Ballard landmark in her weekly Seattle Post-Intelligencer column. Her comedy skates beyond the headlines and the daring feats of her beloved Rat City Rollers. She is a Seattle landmark herself, and refuses to be gentrified. This weekend she puts her game face on in five shows at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Isn’t it time you lobbied that special someone in your life to roll in the aisles together? Even German Lutherans are welcome.
Elsewhere, the aging presumptive Republican presidential nominee, Senator John McCain has fired his secret weapon in preparation for the possibility of going against a very young senator from Illinois in the fall. McCain has enlisted the help of the New York Times in passing rumors that he is sexually active. His “Straight Talk” express trip to the Viagra Dad vote seems contrary to his efforts at reforming the close relations that Washington politicians seem to enjoy with lobbyists. This may, however, be another effort by McCain to appeal to GOP conservatives by likening himself with the late South Carolina Senator Strom Thurmond, who married a 20-something while in his 80s, and then bought a home near an elementary school.
Cathy Sorbo is all about landmarks and making history. She recently wept openly about the loss of another Ballard landmark in her weekly Seattle Post-Intelligencer column. Her comedy skates beyond the headlines and the daring feats of her beloved Rat City Rollers. She is a Seattle landmark herself, and refuses to be gentrified. This weekend she puts her game face on in five shows at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Isn’t it time you lobbied that special someone in your life to roll in the aisles together? Even German Lutherans are welcome.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Jen Adams - Superstar!
Anyone who believes chicks aren't funny should have been at the Mainstage this week...
Anyone who believes chicks are funny should have been at the Mainstage this week...
Trust us, go watch online http://www.mainstagecomedy.com/JenAdams.html
Anyone who believes chicks are funny should have been at the Mainstage this week...
Trust us, go watch online http://www.mainstagecomedy.com/JenAdams.html
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Ari Shaffir - On Our FIRST ANNIVERSARY!
We were a little nervous about bringing in such a contraversial comedian to headline our first anniversary, but our friends at KISW were adamant that he was tremendous, and they were right.
"The Amazing Racist" tore the house down. So much so that our broadcast partner, SyncLive, decided to put a clip of him ripping on the Space Needle on YouTube. That's right, YouTube.
We were smitten. We hope he will come back soon!
"The Amazing Racist" tore the house down. So much so that our broadcast partner, SyncLive, decided to put a clip of him ripping on the Space Needle on YouTube. That's right, YouTube.
We were smitten. We hope he will come back soon!
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