April Macie: A Grand Slam Performance

A growing movement formed in the doomed public toilets in downtown Seattle is blocking demolition teams from removing one of the city’s most recently condemned landmarks. “Save Our Denny’s,” protestors shouted out as they marched in front of the currently vacant structure that once housed Ballard’s treasured gastronomical attraction. “Just because the Seattle Mariners aren’t hitting a lot of grand slams these days, doesn’t mean we can’t have Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast,” a rotund protestor remarked.
Just hours before, the city’s Landmark Preservation Board allowed the building’s owners to demolish the building despite its earlier decision to preserve the spot for history. Countless former Ballard seniors treasure their free Birthday breakfasts and their first selections from the landmark Senior Menu. “We know that the Denny’s management appreciated Ballard back in the days when our faces were all Scandinavian White.”
Now, however, the milestone eatery will join the Doggie Diner, the Twin Teepees and other long-forgotten 24-hour greasy spoons in the Cuisinart of Seattle culinary history. The Googie kitsch from vinyl booths to its coffe-stained carpets will die a quick death in the modern beams and skylights of still another condo project. Somewhere, a grease-stained laborer will cry tears stained with tobacco sauce.
Protestors forming the “Save Our Denny’s group had planned to break for French fries after their exasperating five minute rebellion, however, the snack bar at Ballard’s Sunset Bowl was also no longer there.
April Macie comes from the Northeast where lunch counters and street-corner pretzel vendors still survive. This weekend she brings her own flavors to five shows at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club beginning Thursday evening. Macie, performs at 8 pm Thursday, and 8 pm and 10:30 pm Friday and Saturday. Come share April Macie’s sense of humor and a Mainstage menu that will make you forget Denny’s. You don’t even have to bring your own tobacco sauce or public toilet.

April Macie: It's Not Over Until It's Over

“Happy New Year!” Senator Barrack Obama shouted to crowds at his stunning victory party in Des Moines, Iowa, as his spiritual advisor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright looked on in admiration. “Before these cold, snowy days of winter break into a glorious Pacific Northwest climax on the banks of the Willamette River, let us bring together the working people of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina and all the way to Kentucky and West Virginia!"
Movie Producer Harold Ramis, serving as campaign advisor to Obama admitted that the moment reminded him of Groundhog’s Day all over again. As Republican frontrunner Rudy Giuliani told CNN cameras that the Obama victory in Iowa would be as temporary as Democratic control of the Congress, other Republicans chopped their lips hoping for a Clinton victory in New Hampshire.
Cable News directors looked puzzled at the snowy Iowa scene, on an evening where it seemed like the Democratic Primary season had ended just the day before. Perhaps a low-hanging technician had forgotten to load a fresh disk into the control room video center, and instead pushed rewind on an old VHS system that was still flashing _12:00. At any rate, the thought of a “fair and balanced” rewind of a campaign that sent the cable news channels into Halliburton-style uplift, could not be argued. If it was good enough for Senator Hillary Clinton, Groundhog’s Day — Election 2008 Edition was good enough for the cable networks. “Even if it is a repeat, it’s almost summer time anyway,” a cable producer noted. “If this campaign season ends now we won’t have anything to do until the end of August.”
Supporters of Senator Hillary Clinton hoped that the latest run would end a little differently, noting that the former First Lady plans for some “minor revisions” of her part in the replay. Senator Obama, however, says plans for Senator Clinton to escape sniper fire from the forces of Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee at the NRA convention may be a bit too much.
You can escape the sniper fire of every day work this Memorial Day weekend as you relax and enjoy the comic musings of April Macie at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. Macie, based in New York, has appeared on television’s Last Comic Standing, and will haunt you with her stories of growing up in Pennsylvania. If you love her show, Thursday, attend again Friday, or Saturday. If you like her at 8pm, attend again at 10:30 pm. You might enjoy this more than rewinding through the current campaign season.

Open Mic: Mariners Are Finally OK

In an unexpected move, all of the Seattle Mariners have been traded for the would-be Oklahoma Supersonics. Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels says he was able to convince owner Clay Bennett that the current Mariners share a distinct position with the Sonics — last place in their division. “Instead of a mere five starting players that Oklahoma gets with the Sonics,” Nickels says, “The Mariners come with a starting nine — giving them more bang for their bucks.”
Some local observers say it is the absence of bangs for the big bucks the Mariners have paid to players in the past several seasons that made them an attractive resource for outsourcing. City officials, however, say their Oklahoma travelers — or agents — merely convinced the local folks that the Mariners could do in the NBA what they have been unable to do in Major League baseball. “They seem to be able to win only in extensive heat, such as the heat we had in Seattle last weekend,” the mayor noted. “Seattle just don’t have that kind of climate, Oklahoma does. “
The departure of the Mariners from Safeco Field will finally provide the Sonics with a much larger arena and extensive luxury box facilities. In addition, Safeco Field has a retractable roof that will permit the Sonics to play throughout the basketball season — except when wintry windstorms blow through the Northwest and temperatures go well below freezing.
The Mariners, of course may feel a bit cramped playing in Ford Arena, in Oklahoma City, but the facility is still bigger than their Arizona spring training park. Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig remains uncertain about whether club owners will approve the shift of the Mariners to Oklahoma, but he says Oklahoma City could become a hitter’s park “where the wind comes sweeping down the plain.”
Do your jokes come sweeping down into plain? Rehearse them Tuesday evening at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club open mic. Or just watch other comedians do their best to give performance a whirl, and watch the best of the best give new material a try. There’s no cover charge for open mic, and it’s usually more satisfying than watching the Mariners.

Open Mic: Appalachian-AID

In a continuing effort to outperform the Obama bandwagon, Senator Hillary Clinton today plans a rally destined to attract the entire populations of the states of West Virginia and Kentucky. Following in the footsteps of Senator Barrack Obama who held a massive rally on the banks of the Willamette River in Portland, and Obama’s expected return to Iowa to declare victory in the state where his success began, Clinton plans a rally on the shores of the Big Sandy River — the border between West Virginia and Kentucky — to mark her expected victory in the Bluegrass state Tuesday, and thank her West Virginia voters for her massive victory last week.
Signs reading “Free Meth^odology” were posted throughout the two states’ Appalachian communities. Clinton campaign spokespeople refused to comment on whether Clinton had subscribed to some new political ideology or if the signs meant something else. Some observers noted that the banners were not large enough to fit the entire slogan, and the phrase “odology” had to be scratched on the sign in small print. “This is not over, “said a member of the Clinton campaign as she stepped out of the massive “mess tent” that appeared to hold hundreds of camp stoves. Secret Service officials declined to comment on the large number of bomb squad vehicles parked near the tent.
In order to attract the “working class white Americans” she expects to boost her to ultimate victory, Clinton has invited her Arkansas friend, former governor and former GOP presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee. Huckabee was a “last minute choice” that just came to Clinton after he expounded on his “vision” at last week’s NRA convention. “I think it’s time to trigger a bipartisan vision that will be best for working class white America,” Clinton told reporters.
If you have a vision beyond traveling to the camp stoves of Appalachia, you just might enjoy the laughs at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club every Tuesday night. Open Mic comedy can be a lot of fun as both a participant and an audience member. See would-be fools become comedians, and see comedians become fools. Who knows, if you’ve ever thought about becoming a comedian, you might find you’re a better funny man than Mike Huckabee.

Chris Porter: Appeasing Audiences All Weekend

Just a day after denouncing certain politicians in the United States seeking “appeasement” with terrorists, George W. Bush landed in Saudi Arabia to mingle with Osama bin Laden’s “home boys.” Sources close to Bush say the US President is prepared to offer the Saudis certain undesirable parts of the United States in order to prevent another attack like the one Saudi Arabians led on September 11, 2001, and at the same time reduce oil prices until Senator John McCain can be safely elected to succeed Bush in November.
Admiring Saudi Arabia’s misogynistic rule of its homeland, Bush said he was willing to turn over America’s “Sudatenland” which is today known as “California.” After California legalized gay marriage Thursday, Bush says, the state needs the fatherly guidance of a Saudi Arabia to “put it in its proper place.” The state is a well-known refuge for “uppity women” that not only are allowed to drive, but actually are sent to Washington, DC to serve in the Congress. “It’s no wonder there are so many gay men in California,” Bush says. “Men just aren’t permitted their rightful place. Being a part of Saudi Arabia will cure that problem.”
Senator Joseph Lieberman meanwhile, denied reports that he and McCain are having a secret affair on the Straight Talk Express bus. “I am just assisting the Senator in keeping his bearings straight,” Lieberman says. “The fact that we are parked here in the San Francisco County Clerk’s office waiting for it to open this morning is just a coincidence.”
Senator Barrack Obama, the presumptive Democratic nominee for President says he doesn’t mind Bush giving back formerly occupied territory to another imperialistic country. He, however, suggested that there are country’s that already have the kind of “bitter” people who might be more comfortable being in Saudi Arabia. “I think the Saudi’s already have regular scheduled air service to Texas and West Virginia,” Obama suggested.
If you’re a misogynist or a feminist chances are you’ll appreciate the musings of comedian Chris Porter on the differences between men and women. Porter, who has traveled the mean streets of Kansas City to “Last Comic Standing’s Live at Gotham,” has some unique perspectives that politicians in Washington and Riyadh rarely understand. See him this weekend at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club in two shows Friday and Saturday at 8 pm and 10:30 pm. See him, while gas prices are still low.

Chris Porter: Hillary Holds a Grand Old Party

Senator Hillary Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, announced plans for a hostile takeover of the declining Republican Party. “Our hostile takeover of the Democratic Party does not appear to be working, “Mrs. Clinton admitted to a passing pundit, “We believe the GOP has been devalued sufficiently among political observers that only a hostile takeover by our organization can save its historic significance. “
Market experts say the Republican party is so devalued that the Clintons may be able to pick up the pieces for less than the recent acquisition of Bear Stearns. The offer came less than 24 hours after Clinton’s massive victory among West Virginia’s conservative voting base while even more conservative voters in Mississippi rejected a Republican candidate for Congress for the third special election in a row. The Clintons promised that West Virginia — dozens of miles from the Washington Beltway — could become the focal point of a new generation of political thought. As Mrs. Clinton met with the current presumptive nominee of the existing GOP, Arizona Senator John McCain at her new West Virginia double-wide, she showed off a new toothless grin. “Welcome to an entirely new Right Wing Conspiracy,” she told reporters. “the Republican Party under my leadership will truly be “almost Heaven.” My husband and I will erect an even bigger tent — an erection that would put even Barrack Obama to shame. “
The Senator hinted to McCain that she would be happy to accept the nomination of the new GOP as McCain’s running mate. She even agreed to call McCain every morning at 3 AM and let him know if his bearings were in working order. If she found them inoperative, she noted, that as Vice President she would know what to do. “I can’t imagine a better future for Senator McCain’s beautiful bearings than to have them rubbed every morning by Senator Clinton,” says Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
Comedian Chris Porter remains too young to lose his bearings. This weekend he will take you on a guided tour of his life that has taken him from the mean streets of Kansas City to “Last Comic Standing’s Live at Gotham,” that airs this summer. In the course of the trip, that begins Wednesday at 8 pm at the Mainstage Comedy and Music Club. The laughs continue Thursday at 8pm, and again Friday and Saturday evening at 8 and 10 pm, you’re guaranteed to break all your funny bones. You have been warned.

Open Mic: Idaho Toilet Proposal Stalled

Idaho Republicans apparently can’t stop thinking about toilets.
Walt Bayes, a candidate for the state House of Representatives has taken a somewhat narrower stance on gays in public restrooms than his fellow Idaho lawmaker in Washington, DC, Idaho’s US Senator Larry Craig. Perhaps noting the senator’s outing in a Minneapolis airport restroom last summer, Mr. Bayes opined that the trend is obvious. “We’re going to have to do something if there’s going to be a considerable number of our people who are going to go that way (homosexual),” Bayes said. “We’re going to (need) some kind of separation.”
Bayes, an anti-abortion crusader who demands human status for unborn fetuses, fears an intimate vulnerability should impressionable young high school students be forced to ward off possible homosexual approaches in public bathrooms. The retired farmer and “blue collar worker” last achieved publicity when he went on an unsuccessful 59-day hunger strike to end abortion. He compares the potential for gay groping in public restrooms to his own youthful wonder lust. It would have been "an absolute catastrophe” for him to have showered with girls, he says.
Senator Craig was not immediately available for comment on the Bayes proposal.
The Mainstage Comedy and Music Club Open Mic does not separate comics by gender, sexual orientation, or even experience. Every Tuesday evening at 7 pm you can try your hand at comedy even if the only joke you’ve ever told was to say “I am a United States Senator” to an undercover cop. At the same time, you can be in the company of greatness as some of Seattle’s best comedians try out their new material and perhaps demonstrate their imperfection. It’s all done for laughs for less than a song. If it’s music you need, stick around for the 9 pm music open mic.